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How to Name a Business

Now on writing this article, I was torn between calling it, ‘How to Name a Business’ and ‘How Not to Name a Business’… I was even tempted to call it ‘We Give You the Best Erection’ but hastily decided against it. (Don’t worry, all will come clear).

The truth is that this morning on the dreaded journey to work, amongst the same old sights I always see, all of them now fused into one laborious blur, something out of the ordinary caught my eye. It was a truck, a white truck that at first glance looked like any other… It was almost identical to any other truck you’d see on your journey to work, it had the standard amount of dirt and grime dotted over the bonnet; it even had two burly looking blokes inside who could have passed as bouncers in even the most dangerous nightclubs. There was even the tell-tale England flag sticking out of the window, sorrowfully blowing in the wind. What made this truck different however was that written in large, clear letters across the side were the words, ‘We Give You the Best Erection’.

Now you can surely relate to my astonishment here, as I slowly crawled past the truck, gawping at the juxtaposition I was witnessing before me, I could only imagine the weird and wonderful reasons behind such a provocative pledge.

Now I must add that on closer inspection, this truck (and I assume the husky gentlemen within it) worked for a scaffolding company, and the ‘erection’ comment was merely a harmless, if not bizarre sexual innuendo. This got me thinking however, what should we call our businesses? What should our slogan be that must catch the eye of oblivious citizens on a rainy Tuesday morning? Now I’m not saying that a crude sexual innuendo is the answer, after all, life is not a ‘Carry On’ movie (as much as Barbara Windsor would like it to be) but surely we should take a leaf out of this scaffolding company’s book, and try something different.

We seem to live in a world now where a company’s slogan is everything; I mean we aren’t bombarded with meerkats and operatic tenors every time we turn on our televisions purely for our entertainment. Why can’t a society who buys their CD’s from Virgin then not have their scaffolding put up by a company that guarantee’s you an erection?

Having said this, I do have two things to say about this lowly scaffolding company’s advertisement techniques; the first is that they should be commended. I would never have looked twice at their dirty white van (I’m referring to the mud here) unless it had the ambitious promise of giving me the best erection plastered to its side. The second comment I wish to make however, is that because of all the excitement and astonishment I incurred due to said ambitious promise, I totally forgot the name of the company seconds after reading it. Now this proves that although a great way of catching the public’s eye, the promise of sexual gratification is perhaps too far removed from a pair of burly labourers putting up some scaffolding.

As to what we should call our businesses, go crazy. After all, if sexual innuendo is what it takes to catch a young professional’s eye these days, then promise that your company will work ‘harder’ than the rest (forgive me). If not, however, then understand that society is changing and the typical businessman is changing. The internet rules over the professional world and most internet surfers have the attention span of a middle aged goldfish, so if you don’t catch their eye, then your business may not even get a look in.

By Troy Stevens


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